The Aftermath

I met with the President and Vice President who trotted out all the ‘old faithfuls’ ;

· You are too young to make these sorts of decisions
· It springs from issues you have with your father
· It springs from your Fundamentalist background
· It is just a normal crisis period in your ministry
· You need a long term think about it (two years was suggested)
· You would be guilty of ‘abandoning the cause’.

To which he added the new point;

· You are merely trying to be like your friend (who was also aksing these questions)

The fact that I was asking these questions long before I met my friend and had come to my conclusions via my own reasoning and in discussion with many other Lutheran pastors seems to have escaped them.

He gave me about a week to think about it (although it was about two weeks till a decision need to be made) and wanted a commitment from me for one to two years of further ‘process’ in working the matter through. This two years would include some special leave and time spent at Luther Seminary in re-education.

I tried to call his attention to the anguish I felt acting in a role I no longer believed in but he (and many others) failed to understand that I did not believe the Lutheran standpoint. He reaffirmed that I would still be required to affirm my vows in a few weeks.

I prayed and laboured over the decision for two long days and nights, but had to face the fact that if I took the vows I would be lying to myself and all the people I loved in the parish. I could not sin against my conscience, so I decided to submit my resignation early to stop any uncertainty on other’s behalf.

As I attempted to compose the letter I struggled with all the good reasons to remain a Lutheran pastor. The comfortable house, the respected position in the community, the promise of future study and leadership, the long term financial security and the respect and affirmation from family. I could see the pain of lost friends, angry and hurt family, and financial ruin looming over my young family and desperately preferred any solution that would avoid this catastrophe.

In the end there was no way to avoid the fact I could not live a lie, nor could the Lutherans ever answer my questions. So the decision was ‘when’ and not ‘if’. Even knowing this I could not pen the first word of a resignation letter. I was shaking with hurt, frustration and a deep sense of being completely alone before the decison. I had tried so hard all my life to do the right thing, to be faithful to Christ's call. And now I was being asked to sacrifice all security, friends, family and perhaps even my own wife and children.

I knew my wife had taken a keen interest in the questions I was asking and that she was as dissapointed as I was with the weak answers offered by Lutherans. On the other hand I knew she had been asked by a Catholic contact, "If Peter died tonight, would you still seek to become Catholic?" and she had not been able to answer. Her parents and friends, even my president were pressuring her to remain Lutheran. I knew of several ministers in the USA who's wives had divorced them when they became Catholic and taken the children away to avoid Catholic influences. I was not entirely certain what my wife would do.

I wrote down all the reasons to remain Lutheran on one side of a ledger and the reasons to become Catholic on the other side. The Lutheran side had many, many good reasons. But none of them stacked up against the truth. I gritted my teeth, and bent myself to the task of writing the resignation letter.

Next: The Resignation